a semi-love letter

(source)

Unang-una, paumanhin. Sana maniwala kang di ko 'to sinasadya, pero ‘eto na naman kasi ako – sa pagsusulat lang magawang ilabas ang saloobin. Nakita ko lang kasi sa news feed nung nagpalit ka ng profile pic. Ayokong sabihin na hindi ako napangiti nung nakita ko ‘yon. Para bang lalong gumanda ang araw ko. Naging maaliwalas bigla ang paligid ko kahit kani-kanina ko lang pinupunasan ang pawis sa noo dahil sa alinsangan ng panahon. Huwag mo sanang pag-isipan ng iba o laban sa akin. Parang gumaan lang kasi konti ang pakiramdam ko. Yun bang parang may sariwang hangin na biglang sumipol patungo sa kinauupuan ko. Kahit ini-scroll ko na pababa ang feed sa Facebook at hume-head bang sa Coldplay, nakangiti pa rin akong mag-isa. Sa loob-loob ko, nagmukha akong may sayad. Buti na lang walang ibang tao.

Ilang taon na ba? Ayoko na sanang bilangin kung ilan na kasi lalo akong nagmumukhang tanga at gago. Hehe, pasensya ha sa lenggwahe, pero ganun pa rin kasi ang tingin ko sa sarili ko sa tuwing bumabalik ulit sa akin yung panahon na minsan, nagkaroon sana ako ng pagkakataon. Ayokong isipin na sumagi din sa isip mo na naging ganun nga ako nung mga panahong ‘yon. Pero totoo, naging tanga at gago nga ako. Masyadong mababaw sabihin na naging torpe lang ako. Di na rin bagay sa akin na ilarawan nang ganyan. Masyadong pang-high school.

Ilang taon na din pala ang dumaan. Di ko na rin napansin kasi marami-rami na rin namang nangyari sa buhay-buhay natin pareho. Ngayon ko lang muling naisip na matagal-tagal na rin pala mula nung huling umawit ang mga ibon para sa akin. Sa isip ko noon, hindi lang para sa akin ang himig na 'yon. Mukha nga siguro talaga akong may sayad ano? Bigla-biglang nagmamakata at napapaisip na umaawit ang mga ibon. Nagmo-move-on kahit wala namang nasimulan, malamang, wala ring dahilan. Pero tanong ko lang kung nakarinig ka na ng awit ng mga ibon? Minsan kasi di ko sigurado kung umaawit nga sila o parang nagkukwentuhan lang. 

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ilang taon na ang dinaan ng ganitong guni-guni ko. Natatawa na rin ako pag minsan. Pero minsan may laman pa rin ‘yung mga tawang ‘yun. Oo na. Tanga at gago nga ako, sinabi ko naman di ba? May laman ang mga tawang ‘yun kasi iba din kasi ang naging hagod ng mga tawang ‘yun sa akin. Iba ang dalang saya. Yun bang saya na may kakambal na pag-asa. Di ko talaga ma-ipaliwanag. Alam ko, kahit papano, naiintindihan mo yung tipo nang saya na ganun. Sana. 

Sinabi ko na dati na ayoko nang mag-isip o mag-tanong kagaya ng paano kaya kung naging iba ang takbo ng panahon. Mas maging masaya kaya ang mga araw? Naging mas malakas kaya ang pag-awit ng mga ibon? Maririnig kaya natin minu-minuto ang mga himig nila?

Kung naging gayon, sigurado ako na sa akin, oo. Gusto ko rin namang isipin na ganun din sa’yo. Siyempre, kahit sino naman siguro. Pero nag-iba nga ng landas ang mga huni at unti-unti na ngang pumalayo sa aking pandinig. Inisip ko na lang rin na patuloy pa rin sanang umaawit ang mga ibon para sa ‘yo.

Alam ko na maraming bagay na hindi naging ako, marami-raming bagay na hindi ako, at palagay ko maraming bagay pa na hindi magiging ako sa hinaharap. Hindi ko alam kung ang mga pagkukulang na ito ang magbibigay puwang sa ‘yo. Ayoko na ring isipin. Para sa akin, ang mas mahalaga ay ang maging masaya ka sa mga bagay na mas karapat-dapat sa ‘yo. Cliché, ika nga ng kagaguhan sabi pa ni Bob Ong. Pero, totoo, yun ang naging laman ng dasal ko. Peksman. Cross my heart.

Sa totoo lang, nagtataka ako kung bakit bumabalik ulit ang mga bagay na ito ngayon. Ilang beses na din naman tayong nag-usap na parang walang nangyari. Na parang walang nagdaan. Lilinawin ko lang, sarili ko lang ang tinutukoy ko dito, kasi yun lang ang malinaw sa akin.

Ewan, naging ok naman sana ang simula ng araw ko ngayon. Nagpapalipas lang naman sana ako ng oras. Sana di na lang ako nagbukas ng internet. Pero isa na kasi yun sa mga nakagawi-an ko tuwing nasa bahay lang pagkatapos mag-simba. Pati ilang beses ko na rin nakita sa news feed sa account ko ang iba’t-ibang lawaran mo. Kaya lang, parang iba kasi yung kanina, parang mas may ningning na biglang nagpakislot sa mga alaalang di ko inakalang nandun pa rin pala. Basta, ayoko nang dugtungan pa. Sana hinabaan ko na lang ang kwento sa mga bata sa bahay nung tumawag ako kanina. Ewan, hanggang ngayon kasi, parang wala pa rin akong ganang tumawag sa iba. Iba pa rin kasi yung dati. 

Iba pa rin kasi yung kahit madaling araw na natapos ang kwentuhan, maaga ka pa ring gigising para simulan ang bagong araw. Yung tipong matitigilan ka na lang bigla sa trabaho, kahit anong busy, mapapangiti ka kasi may naalala ka. Basta, alam mo na rin siguro ‘yun. Alam ko, parang pangteen-ager pa rin ang kilig ko. Nakakatawa na nakakahiya. 

Ulit, pasensya, di ko sinasadya. Hayaan mo na lang sanang mailabas kahit sa sulat lang, sa paraang kaya kung gawin, kung ano ang dumating sa isip ko ngayon. Wala naman akong balak mang-gago ng ibang tao. Wala rin akong planong manghimasok sa buhay na nasa ayos na.

Inaayos ko na rin naman ang sarili ko. Pinag-aaralan ko nang tanggapin ang mga bagay-bagay na siguro sadyang hindi ukol. Pero pinagsisikapan ko na rin na subukang ipaglaban ang mga bagay kung talagang dapat kong ipaglaban. Para sa susunod na umawit ulit ang mga ibon, kaya ko nang manindigan kahit puno pa rin ako ng pagkukulang. 

Pasensya na, alam ko lilipas din 'to. Dala lang siguro ng maling pitik ng utak ko. Siguro, dala lang ng mga banat ni Chris Martin na nagpapa-ingay sa tahimik na silid. Sa susunod, mas lalakasan ko na lang siguro ang pag-head bang para mas madaling mawaksi sa isip yung mga ganitong alaala. 

what made me happy today # 1

Earlier, I posted an entry named what makes me happy as a response to a friend's (Dee's) invitation to list the few things that tickles my fancy. To hop into the meme, I should list 5 of the things that can make the sun come out even on a cloudy day (or can send the clouds on a sunny day since I just so happen to love the rain) and make it look less bad or dull or ugly. 

I tried to jot a mental list of these kinds of things and maybe I can just group them into 5, but the list in my head just kept adding item after item until I could no longer reduce them into sub-groups. And finding this exercise a "cool and refreshing" idea, I decided to start a habit and note of the things that made me happy and tickled me pink. Lest it becomes another project that's only good at the start, here's my list today:  

Finding the favicon work on this blog. Okay, I'm a techno klutz. Most of the gadgets I owned were already on their brink of doom before I have actually tinkered what that button was for or what that icon was all about. So yesterday, while navigating through Blogger's layout manager, I noticed this Favicon tab on the upper left portion and wondered what was that fuss. I've said this earlier that I'm not the tech savvy cool dude that your eight-year-old brother may be so I keyed in Google for my rescue. Alas, now you can see the tiny icon of this spot on your address bar. That's me facing the sunset. Cool, eh?

(that's me on the Favicon)

Getting two breast parts on my Jollibee double Chickenjoy meal. I hope that didn't appear to you as a promiscuous gibberish. I was just referring to that fleshy part of the chicken (did that just sound twice as pervert? lol). Ok, enough. I got out of the office real hungry and went straight to the food shop across the street. Whenever I order a 2-piece fried chicken meal, I usually get a big part (breast, of course) and a small part (like the leg or rib part) so hungry tummy was hopping in delight when my plate was served. Yum, yum, yum!

(you didn't think that looked like two breast parts, don't you? This is what I get often)

This photo of my nephew tagged on my Facebook page. I get frequent homesickness bouts lately (read about this here) but looking at photos my siblings post on FB makes my heart less achy. The little ones especially. Aww.

(the boy just wouldn't step down. He says that's his daddy's)

A letter from the Human Resources. Knowing that they're not firing me yet really made my day. :-)

(I was jumping this high!)
image source

Till the next tickle.

parable of the trapped bird

(source)

One sunny morning, a little bird made its way inside the house and hovered over the four corners until it got into my room. Why it was lured to fly inside the house I only have the slightest perception. Was it lost in finding its nest? Did it find itself trapped behind walls while trying to track the sweet whiff of the blooms in my neighbor’s garden? 

I tried to catch the poor bird and toss it outside but it cannot seem to stop flying around. It would rest for a while but would flap again towards the tiny canopy on the other side of the ceiling. I tried to lead the bird to the open door where it got through but it would not follow the clues. I was unsure if it was figuring its own way out of this enclosure to be back to the open space or if it actually reveled in the different surrounds of walls and furniture that is entirely unlike the trees. Was the little bird tired of the trees where every other bird was and wanted to look at a different view? Or was it only finding solace, perhaps a new spot to build its nest?

I let the little creature fly until it will tire with its flight and will allow itself to be led outside. It finally rested on the pane where the air con used to sit but is now covered with aluminum screen. By the time I was able to grab a chair where I could stand to reach the pane, the tiny bird again flew, taking wing around the corners of the room.

Why it refused my hand when I could have been its one chance to freedom I could only begin to show concern. Its ticket to the open space and the trees was upon me. Was it afraid that I will not lead it to the blooms in my neighbor’s garden? Was that tweet its scream of "leave me alone!" and that I just let this tiny being’s flight be on its own free course?  

I opened the door wide and the windows to allow it many gates to get out of these confines. Little bird, the garden and the blooms are outside, and this sure is not the best place to build your nest and raise your young. The trees are waiting for you outside. Can’t you hear the chirp of the other birds?  They are calling out for you.

The little bird did not notice the bright rays of the sun coming through the open windows as it hooked its claws on one dark corner of the ceiling, the flapping of its wings becoming slow and weary.

I took a hammer and pulled out the screen covering the air con slot. The little bird, few ounces of strength left, flew few little flaps and rested on the pane. In a while, it finally flew outside, landing on the branch of the mango tree where its tweets chorused with the rest of the birds and the humming of the morning breeze. The faint sweet smell of the camias on my neighbor's backyard wafted all the way up.

I took out a few nails and hammered the screen cover back. 

homage to the lamp

(source)

A house will be full of darkness and chaos without a lamp. But even the tiniest  flicker can spark a ray of hope and make all the difference.

She emitted a faint, modest glow. Many people thought that her light was too muffled to brighten a huge room enveloped in uncertainty and too hazy to illuminate a long and dark road ahead. But no matter how little she could emit, she was capable of producing a sensation of brightness and that shimmer did not waver even when strong winds blew past it.

My mother became a widow at 39, a strong wind blew for a quaint little light that she was. I cannot even begin to imagine how “that” life had been for her. Of course, we, her children shared in the uneasy aftermath of my father’s death, but ours were only that feeling of not having enough. Hers was that and the burden of responsibility of suddenly facing the tedious job of single parenting. Perhaps, it was a lot more. How lonely her nights might have been and we have selfishly let her endure that throb since her children decided that she will not remarry.   

No matter how dark the road was ahead of her, she kept a stark faith that she will get through. She has to get through since she has 6 kids in tow that she has to bring to the light of day. I cannot seem to measure the strength of her character or how stern her will was. It must be the kind of will that leaned on something greater and stronger. Sometimes waking for a midnight pee, I can see her on the stairs, her Bible on the step, her hand wiping something that got in her eye and asking me, “asa man ka?” (where are you going?). She forces herself a smile. I knew even then that she sometimes cannot sleep and that she will just wait on the steps and her Bible for the crowing of the rooster.  

Mamang was a very plain woman. Simplicity was her core. She was just without pretense, her laugh was calm yet unreserved. And she is often silent to a point of being misunderstood. But her being inarticulate, she made up for eloquently in deed.

She was a very hardworking housewife. She was good at keeping the house in order and she can do chores for the whole day if she was not occupied looking for means to be able to serve decent food on our table or put back the electricity connection on or give us some baon to school.  

She did not earn her degree, reason why she moved heaven and earth, mortgage and debt, just to let us get one. She wanted us to realize the dream that she only weaved in her mind. She had worked to send herself to school for a while until she was forced to stop schooling to look after her sick father. She will marry anyway, her mother told her, and she wouldn’t need a college diploma for that.   

My mother lets us be. She is nowhere near that image of a stage mother but she had always been a proud one. However, in letting us be, we, her children made many choices which failed to consider her affections and shattered her ambitions for each one of us: grandchildren sans in-laws, years of schooling sans the degree, children seeking desperately for their independence and morph in the shape of the pop crowd. I know she was hurt, maybe to an extent deeper than she allowed us to notice. But in all these mistakes and failures, she gladly embraced us back to her arms as if nothing went past. It all seemed like an embrace of a mother when her child who was gone for a while comes back home.

I know many wrangled about her lack of iron hand. That she had been too soft. And at some point, I was one of those who did. But could a rigorous claw have prevented some things to happen and altered the course of events? The mistakes made us grow, perhaps even in a more mature and broader sense. I have seen her shrug off the question of being faint-hearted. Authority and control is but a tiny component to a job called parenting. What she gave us was her steadfast love and profound understanding.  And it will be a long list of things that she did and does for us. 

Many years have passed and through her labor and love, we were brought out to the light of day. Or at least, we are already seeing what not being in the dark is like. It’s about time for her to just sit back and enjoy the setting of the sun, knowing that even though the night will be long and dark, the sun will always come up in the morning. Perhaps, that is the single most important lesson that she has instilled in me.  

  

A house will be full of darkness and chaos without a lamp. But even the tiniest of flicker can spark a ray of hope and that can make all the difference. I wish God will give her a longer life to keep the home aglow.

7 trike drivers you'll meet in your life

(image source)

I am a daily commuter. When you have lived in rural cities like Pagadian and Zamboanga (in the Philippines), where I have spent most of my working life so far, and where there are no cabs, the more comfortable means of transport is the ever reliable tricycle. At least twice a day, I entrust thirty minutes or so of my life in the hands of Manong Drayber to bring me to my destination.

Doing this routine every single day allows you to meet any of these Manongs, depending on how your stars have aligned, and you will be in for a ride of your life:

No. 1 - Manong Speedy Gonzales. I am not sure if his stomach suddenly became ill when we started hitting the road and cannot wait to go to the john. But since I’m already in the trike and he finds it rude to ask me to get another one, or maybe he knows that I will never pay him a penny if he does that, he zooms to my destination like he’s on a Carerra. Or maybe his homicidal tendencies was roused suddenly and wants to drag me with him to wherever he will be seeing that tiny flicker of light ala damay-damay na!  Manong No. 1 just don’t want to take it slow. However, this type brings out the pious in me. I tend to pray hard that I will get to my destination in one piece. Flying trikes, anyone?    

No. 2 - Manong Pastor Evangelista. Maybe the two projections on my forehead have become overgrown and visible, Manong tries put a halo to slash-and-burn them . I must behave. Amen, Manong. Just do not touch that sensitive reproach that Catholics worship stones and wood, and I will always welcome your invitation to deepen my faith. Otherwise, the projections on my head might blow up your pedicab’s roof and you might find yourself in a not-so-heaven-like ride. But the peace lover in me might just ask you to pull around the corner. I will just wait for Manong No. 1 to pass by.

No. 3 – Manong Boy Komentarista. O, he just can’t stop the blabber. This widely opinionated chatterbox will keep on talking about anyone and anything that comes to his mind, never minding that his passenger is staring blankly at a distance. At times, he competes with the noise of the road and modulates his commentaries about the elections or the frequent brownouts, and his unsolicited advice to Ai-ai in case she tries to get another man for a husband. I tried to look for the mute button somewhere, but I can’t seem to find one. Please, Manong, let us just leave Ai-ai alone.

No. 4 – Manong Silent Type. The exact opposite of Manong No. 3, this one will not utter a word even after you hand him the fare upon reaching your destination. He must be mute since he has just nodded after I told him “Tumaga”. Maybe he met Manong No. 3 and got forewarned that I am deaf or a psycho case. But thank you Manong, for giving me my peace.   

No. 5 – Manong Mike Imbestigador. He was a former NBI, I must know. Or used to be with Bombo Radyo. I surmise he is Manong No. 3’s kumpare, too. The inquisitive Manong gives you the feeling of being psycho-analyzed. Why do want to know what my favorite color is? 

No. 6 – Manong Mando Rugas. What?!? 50 pesos from Veterans to Tumaga? If I had only known that your fuel is from Jupiter hence, costs higher than the others, I must not have jumped in. I know the times are hard and prices are soaring, but Manong, many of your league charges only P30. These are the types who make the destination farther (read: they charge higher) on rainy days. Relate much?

And lastly, No. 7 – Manong Goody. These are the Manongs who are friendly and honest and generally pleasant. Fortunately, there are still many of them who do not attempt to add stress to an already taxing day. Sometimes even, you tend to shed off some of the strain while a cheery conversation ensues. These are the types you’d gladly give some tip, which, some would politely decline or profusely thank for. Yes, there can be angels in the trikies.    

While I continue to be a part of the commuting public, I must admit that these drivers and their trikes are my link to wherever I must be at a certain point in time. That without them, I might be riding horses in long sleeves under the sweltering heat of day. Often, I tend to get annoyed or flabbergasted (did I just say that "annoyed" is my other name?), but every time, I am grateful that I was delivered to my destination, whole and unharmed. And sometimes, even smiling. 

(The descriptions above are mostly propelled by the state of mind I was in at the time I took a particular Manong’s ride. This is not to malign this sector which works hard for a living - a vital service force to the society. It's just that sometimes, I forget to take anti-psychotics that I answer Manong No. 5 with “blue, my favorite color is blue, tralalala.”)

Photo used above is not mine.

what makes me happy

(source)

Just as I was about to hop in for the night, I found that Dee, in one of her blog hop entries, tagged this spot to a post entitled “these are a few of my favorite things”. Not about to hop into that meme, I realized that more than responding to her tag and participating in the loop, listing the things that make you happy is actually a cool and refreshing idea. For one, it tends to improve your mood. After a long day at work, listening to One Republic (my new Matchbox 20), brings to mind other things that can put the issues of the daily grind behind. And suddenly, you feel a little okay. Or when the world just seems to pull your spirits down, talking to a loved one on the phone or a chat with an old friend will give you that longed pat on the back and reassures you that tomorrow will be just fine. It can be tough to stay feeling elated and motivated and upbeat 24/7 because everyday living displays a full range of emotions. It is ultimately your choice to be happy. But then, reminding yourself of the things that can bring the sunshine to a cloudy day (on the contrary, rain is among the things that make me feel good), may be the one thing that you need as a precursor to a sunny disposition over a potential state of displeasure. If it cannot steer the way things are to an entirely new direction, thinking about your planned travel to Batanes, or receiving a message of thanks from a customer has the power to make a day less bad.

I just realized that it can be a good habit to list down the things that made your day more than the usual and remind yourself how some odd twist of chemistry and circumstances put that curve on your face. And that I might just start it today.

Here are a few things, random as they are, specific or scripted in motherhood statements, that can make my day above the ordinary and make me smile. (Sorry Dee, but I just cannot reduce these to five items.)    

- - -

Looking at old photos and remembering the good times

Creating something on Blogspot

The love and comfort of family

Catching up with friends or hanging out with them

Thursdays

Movies - tearjerkers, by Christopher Nolan, recommended by friends (you may refer to this list)

(source)

Rain

A bar of Toblerone

Travel – from planning, to packing up, to discovering new things

Fruit salad

A good joke from all types of sources

Megan Fox

A thank you message

Giving thanks

The glow of sunset

When the universe is into you like something working out that you never thought would

A good article or literature

Photography and beautiful pictures

Achieving goals

Following your inner rhythm

Sweet mangoes and pineapples

Smiling faces all around

A beautiful view

Waking up from a good night’s sleep

That you are still breathing

Getting a good item from the sale rack

Silence

Going to your secret getaway and spending time alone

Youtube
A pack of peanuts

Music and rocking like hurricane

Trip to Jollibee with my nephews and niece

A new shirt

A new bottle of scent

A new watch

Pampering yourself in a spa

Coming into terms with your flaws

Not trying to please everyone

Meeting new people

(source)

Beaches

Internet

Staying home

Beer

Pizza

Sharpening a pencil

Not putting your own hopes on other people’s shoulders

Helping in a cause

Rainbows

Love

Stargazing

A moonlit night

The sound of waves rushing to the shore

Christmas

Daydreaming
Videoke
A new haircut

Three-day weekends

Paulo Coelho

The smell of hay

The scent of home

Just making this list already makes me happy. But I know you can definitely list a lot more. :-)

haaay, utang na loob

(Utang na loob is also a focal issue in the
movie, The Godfather)

Utang-na-loob is a Filipino cultural trait which academics sometimes refer to as "reciprocity," and which transliterates as "a debt of one's inner self (loob)." It is also sometimes translated as a "debt of gratitude." In the study of Filipino psychology, utang na loob is considered an important "accommodative surface value," along with hiya (shame) and pakikisama (togetherness). That is to say, it is one of the values by which the Filipino accommodates the demands of the world around him, as opposed to confrontative values like "lakas ng loob" and "pakikibaka".

The essence of utang na loob is an obligation to appropriately repay a person who has done one a favor. The favors which elicit the Filipino's sense of utang na loob are typically those whose value is impossible to quantify, or, if there is a quantifiable value involved, involves a deeply personal internal dimension. This internal dimension, loob, differentiates utang na loob from an ordinary debt ("utang"); being an internal phenomenon, utang na loob thus goes much deeper than ordinary debt or even the western concept of owing a favor. Filipino psychology explains that this is a reflection of the "kapwa" orientation of shared person-hood or shared self, which is at the core of the Filipino values system.

- From Wikipedia

Truly, utang na loob, is one unique Pinoy trait. It is a distinctively Pinoy sense of appreciation of the good that we receive from others. Instilling this sense of gratitude is good since we value the act and the giver. But the act of doing good and this deeply instilled sense of thanks can sometimes go wrong and vulnerable to misuse and corruption.

I have no concept of utang na loob. Maybe I am not too Pinoy in this respect. I have always believed that when I do good, it is because I am propelled by that necessity to do good and not with the expectation of a payback, not even being thanked. And it will be good not to keep a memory of that “good” that has been done. I will feel more than repaid if I see that the good I did has created ripples and that I was able to make even a little betterment in somebody else’s life.

I wish we can alter the concept of utang na loob from the Pinoy psyche. When you are the recipient of an act of kindness, your only obligation is to improve yourself and pay the act forward. Saying a sincere expression of gratitude is already a good deed in itself. When you are the doer of the deed, remember that the act of kindness is without condition; it should be a prick of the selfless desire to help and reach out without wanting for something, a future favor or even a “thank you”, in return. Do not be drawn by the desire to have your recipient be bound for life in subjection.

Let us be cheerful givers, O,  Pinoys, utang na loob. Or do not give at all.

Haaay!

(Just musing.)