haaay, utang na loob

(Utang na loob is also a focal issue in the
movie, The Godfather)

Utang-na-loob is a Filipino cultural trait which academics sometimes refer to as "reciprocity," and which transliterates as "a debt of one's inner self (loob)." It is also sometimes translated as a "debt of gratitude." In the study of Filipino psychology, utang na loob is considered an important "accommodative surface value," along with hiya (shame) and pakikisama (togetherness). That is to say, it is one of the values by which the Filipino accommodates the demands of the world around him, as opposed to confrontative values like "lakas ng loob" and "pakikibaka".

The essence of utang na loob is an obligation to appropriately repay a person who has done one a favor. The favors which elicit the Filipino's sense of utang na loob are typically those whose value is impossible to quantify, or, if there is a quantifiable value involved, involves a deeply personal internal dimension. This internal dimension, loob, differentiates utang na loob from an ordinary debt ("utang"); being an internal phenomenon, utang na loob thus goes much deeper than ordinary debt or even the western concept of owing a favor. Filipino psychology explains that this is a reflection of the "kapwa" orientation of shared person-hood or shared self, which is at the core of the Filipino values system.

- From Wikipedia

Truly, utang na loob, is one unique Pinoy trait. It is a distinctively Pinoy sense of appreciation of the good that we receive from others. Instilling this sense of gratitude is good since we value the act and the giver. But the act of doing good and this deeply instilled sense of thanks can sometimes go wrong and vulnerable to misuse and corruption.

I have no concept of utang na loob. Maybe I am not too Pinoy in this respect. I have always believed that when I do good, it is because I am propelled by that necessity to do good and not with the expectation of a payback, not even being thanked. And it will be good not to keep a memory of that “good” that has been done. I will feel more than repaid if I see that the good I did has created ripples and that I was able to make even a little betterment in somebody else’s life.

I wish we can alter the concept of utang na loob from the Pinoy psyche. When you are the recipient of an act of kindness, your only obligation is to improve yourself and pay the act forward. Saying a sincere expression of gratitude is already a good deed in itself. When you are the doer of the deed, remember that the act of kindness is without condition; it should be a prick of the selfless desire to help and reach out without wanting for something, a future favor or even a “thank you”, in return. Do not be drawn by the desire to have your recipient be bound for life in subjection.

Let us be cheerful givers, O,  Pinoys, utang na loob. Or do not give at all.

Haaay!

(Just musing.)

homesick

(source)

Flashback:

You step down from a trike and your pamangkins come rushing “Tito! Tito!”. O, how sweet is that even if they were actually after that package of siopaos or burgers that they have been nagging you about when you left that morning. Sometimes, arriving empty-handed you tell them, “oh, the baker was sick today and was not able to make siopao” and tell them anecdotes instead. Or pull some tricks or hunch your back for their rodeo ride.

You slouch on the sofa and sister calls out “dinner is ready” while Noli de Castro screeches “teeveeeeeeeee patrol!”. A steaming bowl of your favorite law-oy or sinigang. Or grilled fish with guso salad. Then a long chat over that matter that caught your and your siblings’ collective awareness or curiosity during the day. The laughs will be hard you’ll be reaching fast for a glass of water while choking on your food.

Majority wins on which program to watch on TV after, which all the time, will be the teleseryes. You wanted to get another TV but decides against it. And finally, you get to reconcile with Jhie’s shrieks over Coco Martin's dramatics amidst his lisps.

You lay in bed, the jalousies open while the chirps and flapping of the kulansyangs’ try to lull you to sleep. Or a few pages of Milan Kundera. Tomorrow will be a long day and you’ll beg high heavens that insomnia will not pop in tonight, more than you pray for peace on earth.

You look forward to weekends for catch-ups and rest. You do not worry about doing the laundry or the ironing since Jhie already took care of that. You are the king of the world despite that you reign over the basket to flea market and the kitchen on Sundays.

You caught the flu and Mamang rushes to the city with leaves that she will boil and forces you to gulp. That is so sweet despite how awful the concoction would taste most of the time.

You have a trip for a few days or weeks, and since Mamang protests against how you simply dump your stuff in the luggage, she volunteers to do the packing. Never mind that you will have to rush to the department store nearest to your hotel after discovering that she missed to put in some underwear.  

O, life is sweet. The benefit of family and community.

Fastforward:

You step down from a trike and your landlord greets you, “nagabin-an man ka?”. After a long day, you manage a smile for a reply. Silence and shadows envelope your unit. You unlock the door and turn the lights on. Stillness, the scent of solitude sprayed all over. You open the fridge, debate with yourself whether to re-heat last night’s left-over or not and decide it will be sandwich for tonight. Tomorrow will be cereals, then sardines and bread the following day. You sigh. Ugh.

You did not get a TV yet so you open your computer and play Winamp. Go online if you were able to load credits to your plug-in. But the prepaid connection can be very sloooooow you'll get dizzy to the circular motion of the loading icon on the address tab.

You lie in bed and the tuko beats your lullaby. Or an article in the newest issue of Reader’s Digest.

Saturdays will be laundry and office or laundry and sleep. Sundays will be church and ironing or church and sleep. If you lazed and chose the latter, then just squeeze in the ironing after taking a bath on Monday and the rest of the week.

You caught the flu and you call your nurse-sister for some medical advice and try not to play the doctor part, which you often do. You take a pill. 

You have a trip and you simply dump your stuff in the luggage. You will make sure you will put in some underwear this time. 

Such a drag. The price of independence.

Now I’m sick. And I want my old life back. I want to be tito and king once again.

I want to be home.

(Musings while finding hard time sleeping on the fourth day of nursing the flu and headache from sinusitis. Manang manghihilot did not show up. I know, this too, and the flu, shall pass. I shouldn't have called home and talked to the kids. But still, I just so enjoy this self-regulating, sovereign life that I will persist.)

why do you care?

(can married men lounge this relaxed and happy? lol!)

When you start hitting the big 3 and people don't see you wearing that bright and polished round thing around your ring finger, they tend to be overly concerned suddenly. Try going to your cousin's wedding and every one on the guest list will ask you the most important question of all - why are you still single, or josh the biggest tease of all time - uuyy, you will already be next! - that gets me sort of vexed all the time.

Can I cringe here already? 

You gotta believe that I am all for marriage. If two people are madly in love with each other and cannot figure their lives apart from one another, then by all means, file for a licence and go to pre-cana. But don't get me wrong: this thing is just not on top of my concerns now. Or I simply cannot do so by now because I still don't have anybody who can splay the colors and hues in my blank canvas. I just cannot marry myself, right?

I just can't seem to get why it is a matter of great distress to other people that I am actually happy and content being uncommitted right now. You see, there's a time element here - the "right now", because I'm still pretty hopeful that somebody might just turn up and turn my world upside down that will make me decide: enough of solitary bliss. Fine if cousin # 1's son will already start going to prep school in June, but it should not be your worry if my firstborn will still be in high school by the time I become the balding retiree. 

I'm happy for my ka-berks who look happy on their pre-nup and wedding photos on Facebook and wish them to sport the same smile while they are well into the married existence. I post comments how their kids look like miniatures of them. But I am also happy planning for a trip in November or saving for a DSLR to pursue the illusion that I can make art, and that I am unsurprisingly, and not abnormally content with my current state of affairs. If I may, I just think being single is way too cool because: 

You don’t fill your brain with dates (birthday, anniversary and the whole nine yards) and other details like favorites (argh!), of which the failure to recall can spark another world war; 

You don’t fight with yourself what to order for dinner - if you want baby back ribs, you get baby back ribs - and not feel guilty about gorging all the fats. You also get to save money since you spend for a single diner only;

You get to watch the movie you wanted to watch and don’t have to drag yourself watching John Lloyd and Sarah Geronimo;

You only have yourself to say if your shirt looks okay or not, or if you already need shaving or not;

You can be lazy and disgusting without anybody making that look all too bad;

You get to hang out with other people and not worry someone will get jealous. You can go to dates with anybody you want and the only regret you will have is not being able to flirt with more people than you should (you sure did not think that was me whining, eh?);

You own your time and you are your own boss (ok, ok. The boss is in the office) and you can go to places you wanted to go to any time you wanted to;

There will  be lesser stress that you have to endure and hence, I am just trying to enjoy bucket loads of freedom while they last. 

There are actually more reasons than what that video goes to list but still, the question and the tease. 

I will be going to another wedding yet again and I am trying to figure a retort that's more polite than - why do you care? You might just have the cleverest phrase. 

quo vadis, cocinero?

(source)

In April of 2011, I took a leap of faith. At that time, I was unsure if the decision to take on a new role and steer my career to a different direction was the rightest thing to do. It wasn’t the sort of plainly testing the waters. I usually start a year getting jitters, the sort that wants me to pack and go into the wild, but there’s a tiny something somewhere at the back of my mind that said “go!” - a certain stirring that I will probably understand at some distant future. I am not entirely the submissive type. I tried pushing walls for want of greater space and bigger horizon but if some things are simply not just meant to be, nothing will come out of your pushing. And so that tiny voice won me over.

I thought I packed enough of confidence and courage when I decided to don another garb and wander in another field. I miscalculated my perseverance levels that at one point I thought of throwing in the towel. But I had no contingency plan in place. I tried pushing walls again but still nothing came out of the shove. Then, that tiny voice was there again – “just keep on”. 

If I overestimated my ability to persist, I certainly underrated the power of love of those who supported in me in my decision to sail outside of my comfort zone. It was not at all a tiny voice of inspiration that kept telling me that everything will be alright while reassuring me that they will still be standing behind if I choose to pull the sails down.

Two years later, some will say that I finally found my place under the sun. Maybe, but I am more gratified by the realization that a path has been set for me, that I have the littlest understanding of the plans laid out by the Hand in the grand scheme of things and so I just need to let that Hand do the pushing of walls.

Some call it birthing pains. Others will say that one has to be put through fire to come out shining like gold. These pains that we go through in every change that we need to endure are necessary steps for the masterpiece in progress that is us. I still recall a professor’s reminder that adversity brings out character. Sometimes, I even grin when I remember that I came close to giving up when I haven’t even seen the bigger picture yet. Those pains, had they really been such a big deal?     

I still cannot say that I already found my end of the rainbow. Life is ever a journey and this jittery pair of shoes will not just stay in one place yet. But I'm glad I took that leap. It pays to listen to a tiny voice sometimes.