closure

(This is an old piece from more than a couple of years ago. Still hoping against hope, I never got around the courage to publish. I guess it's time to take that step forward and stand by what I decided to name this piece.)

(source)

I told myself not to put this thing down until it’s clearly and finally over. I’ve always known to hold on tight until the end of the line, that I either wait and make up for my late entrance or continue chasing that butterfly until it finally lands on my palm. I believe I was perseverance personified - I persist in my pursuits. But it’s different this time, and I realized, when it comes to things that we feel inside, some of our perspectives shift.

Pinker was the last indulgence of my late bloom. At one point, the idea of her was the summation of everything that I’ll ever look for in a relationship. She was that one thing that got me planning and thinking hard about the days to come. I have known a few who were pretty and smart and fun while God-fearing, but her entire wrap was simply a glow above the rest.

We were formally introduced nearly two years ago although I had her number much earlier than that, thanks to a mutual friend who insisted I start communicating with her, which I nonchalantly replied yes. I never did. I was eyeing an old acquaintance who I haven’t had communication with for a long time, and whose episode with me, later I will find out, will be short-lived. Later I knew, the same friend told, that Pinker was also already with someone else.

I was trying to get my faith founded when I had the chance to meet her again. I had nonchalance still since that was only a few months after that short-lived romance. And she was still with that somebody. I became active in my service, squeezing time between work and church and going home and spending time with new-found acquaintances. It counted months and I was finally living my life. Then one time, an elder in the community much like a mother to me, gave me her number, which like the first instance, I half-heartedly said yes but also never used. She was free this time but I haven’t had the urge to chase again then.

Finally one time, I happened to ask about a scheduled out-of-town community congress which I wanted to attend. I can’t recall why it had been her when I could have easily asked one of our elders. All I can conjure up now was that I learned about the congress through her announcement. It ended up me not attending the congress but it would be the start of exchanging little niceties with her.

Those little niceties began to build up. Oddly, I'd feel discomfited during our next meetings. Where it had been easy to cuddle a conversation before, I found myself grappling on how to start one. That was when I felt a swarm of butterflies in my stomach and heard a band of thunderbolts through my ears. Torpedoes hit me hard on the spine which all the way cramped me to my tongue.

Shortly, I knew I was not singularly hit by her lightning. Reckoning, I placed that I was last in line but I continued to set my pace still, surprisingly, doing things I never did and never thought I would. Then I realized, my pace had been, pardon my French, too damn slow.

Then the communication stopped when I learned that she finally made her choice. I don’t intend to delve any deeper into this. Saying she made the right one will be self-incriminating. But what I had for her bordered on deep respect and from what little I knew, she picked up the good man that she deserved.

I tell those I confide with that acceptance had been easy. I guess, that too, was half-hearted. It was harder than I thought when it hit me at point-blank. The last conference had been especially trying but I excelled in letting it stream unnoticed.

To break free, I joined another community. I continued meeting other acquaintances but none could keep up to the manner and measure of what I had and held for her. The same elder told me in one instance that God is still cooking up something for me, that He gives only what we deserve and that is only the best. I said I’m no longer looking, I screwed up my chance to take on my best. I cling to what she said last – I should be thankful for the feeling and the experience. I add, I should be thankful for the time she decided to spend with me and for keeping up with me on some late nights although I would not have been the best reason for keeping her awake. I assure her, with the sincerity of my intentions, that those nights got me looking forward to the new day.

A friend recently e-mailed me Mark Macapagal’s article in The Manila Times which talked so aptly about timing. No amount of preparation nor intensity of feeling could bring you that one desire if it’s not the time. I get the idea.

I stopped arguing with myself if I should put this thing down. I already stopped thinking about what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. The load of these questions are getting heavy and it is time to put it off. Pain is too strong an emotion for me now.

Recently, I incidentally chanced with her again, which by some twisted stroke of chance, the second during that week (I’ve been trying to avoid a meeting - more for myself, but I guess a little for her too. But it’s a real small place we’re both in). Yet it helps unknowingly. It had been nice having to talk to her again even if the talk was way beyond the concerns and borders of feelings. I swear I still felt the thumping of thunderbolts but I knew the swarm of butterflies were already cramming somewhere else, not that I’ve driven them away. From what I gathered, she is very happy. I should be happy for her too for I’ve been praying for that since.

I realized then that  there’s one thing that I should do – pray for my happiness too. And maybe tomorrow, with this published, I’ll start changing passwords.